Thu, Apr. 7th, 2005, 04:12 pm
Entry from Tuesday, December 14th
It was Dom's birthday just under a week ago. He turned twenty-eight. How strange is that, hmm? I mean, I have no trouble thinking of Dom as a twenty-eight year old now. But whenever my birthday rolls around, it takes me a long time to adjust to that sudden added year. I suppose this way I can pretend he's catching up to me, right?
Sometimes I'm still worried I'm too old for him. Eight years is a big difference, especially when it comes to the two of us. And I don't just mean in the bare number of years between us. I'm not saying Dominic is immature. He's just so... young, for lack of a better word. And I know I'm not old, in the geriatric, wrinkly sense of the word. But I'm very set in my ways, very comfortable with the way I'm living my life, the same way I've been living it for a long time. Dom's still got the potential to be very, very free. I know he's settling down and committing for me. But I worry... did I force that on him? Did he get comfortable, let his guard down, and then feel obligated to stay when he saw how attached I was getting?
And then sometimes I say to myself, William, you're full of shite.
What a kind and loving way to show Dom that you care for and trust him. And I do, so honestly, I don't doubt him. He never lies to me, he's honest, he tells me everything he's feeling and he's not, and I repeat not going to leave me for something better. He loves and needs me just as much as I love and need him. Just because something happens once in your life doesn't mean it's going to happen again. History is not doomed to repeat itself. Dom is different. Dom is my everything.
And that's going to become apparent to the whole world when I marry him on February 19th. Just over two months from now. We discussed our plans on his birthday, a conversation that could have turned heavy and stressful but went amazingly smoothly, due mostly to the fact that we both agreed the sooner the better, and that Dom suggested we marry in Scotland, which of course I had no arguments about whatsoever. I don't think I could have grinned any wider.
Margaret and I have been talking a lot this week, considering she's going to be our middle (wo)man while we make plans for the wedding. It's just going to be a small ceremony. We've invited Margaret, Dom's parents, and Dom's brother Matthew, all of whom we notified as soon as we had a concrete date, and all of whom can come. I'm a bit nervous about meeting Matt, just as I know Dom's a bit nervous about meeting Maggie, but I think both of our fears are largely unfounded. It's just a matter of letting them see how happy we are.
Margaret's found a little church for us to have the ceremony, something tiny on the outskirts of Glasgow. We fly in on the fifteenth of February to have a bit of time to get ready. Dom's family flies in on the eighteenth, and then the following day is the wedding!
Wow, putting it down in writing like that suddenly makes it all very real.
I have the week of the twenty-first through the twenty-seventh off for President's Week anyway, so the fact that we're planning an extensive honeymoon isn't as difficult. We'll be back in Lauderville by March fifth, so all in all I'm missing about two weeks of school. Dom, of course, is missing three whole weeks of work, but we've got our fingers crossed that McKenzie will be able to handle the post office, or that Marty will be willing to come in and help out if nothing else.
We don't have a lot longer to prepare. It's going to be a whirlwind, I know it. But neither of us can wait any longer. We've spent too long waiting as it is.
Our one year anniversary is rapidly approaching as well. One year... I've started planning what I'm going to get him for Christmas, what I'm going to do for him for Christmas Eve, but I've still got some plotting to do. The key in all of this is to simply relive the memories of last year and remember what has made us work all this time. We just need to be together.
We discuss our plans for both the near and distant future with small, excited smiles directed towards each other, and when I look at him, I can't help but feel my life suddenly fell into place.
Takes place Monday, November 29th, 2004.
I've never really seen the airport as a hugging and kissing type place. You know, like in the film Love Actually, when Prime Minister Hugh Grant is going on about Heathrow being a place of love and friendship... no. The last time I was at Heathrow I was stuck in the airport for nine bloody hours while our plane had the flight attendant alert lights repaired or some other such nonsense. Needless to say I wasn't feeling very loving that day.
Maybe it's because the time I've spent at airports I've spent mostly alone. I haven't been on a plane in years. The last time I was it was to come here from Glasgow, and I waited in the airport by myself, and there was certainly no one to pick me up when I arrived. Airports to me are exhausting, busy places, symbolizing long, arduous journeys both in front and behind a person.
I spent time at Towerston International Airport yesterday, and there was a lot of hugging and kissing occurring. And I understood.
I'm going to miss Dom's mum and dad. A lot. After spending so much time fretting about whether or not we were actually going to get along I forgot to prepare myself for actually liking them. And then when I did... it seems like they adjusted to life with us so easily. I suppose I got caught up with the notion of a family all of a sudden... Dom's parents were almost accepting me as their own son (Dom's mum especially), and I felt like a part of a family, a real family. The stereotypical, sit-com, old-fashioned nuclear family.
Well, I suppose nothing about us is quite so every-day.
Dom's mum cried at the airport, kissing us goodbye. I knew it would happen, of course. But I hadn't prepared for it, anyway. Last time she cried, I'd been so busy with my own tears that I hadn't even noticed hers, really. But this time here they were, wide open and genuine and obviously unsuccessfully repressed, and all Dom and I could do was hug her tightly and remind her that we'd see her again before too long, at the wedding. The wedding. That seemed to cheer her up slightly, and with a promise to both call her at least once a week she seemed alright to get on the plane.
Dom's dad hugged me. It was just a brief hug, but it wasn't brief in the "Quick, let me get away as soon as possible" sort of way. It was real. After our talk on Friday a real weight was lifted from my shoulders, to know that my future father-in-law approved of me, even liked me. I thought it was a given, that father-in-laws weren't supposed to like their son-in-laws right away. Maybe that's only when they're marrying their daughters.
I'll miss their company. I'll miss getting to know them better each day. I'll miss hearing all the stories Dom's never told me about his childhood because they embarrass him, but they make me fall in love with him even more. I want to know the man I fell in love with, past, present, and future. Dom's parents are another piece of the puzzle.
I'm not sad about once again having time by ourselves, though. Our house, our rooms, our free space to snog/shag/whatever in, whenever we please. Our space to just curl around each other and talk. Which is what we did as soon as we got home from the airport.
Everything went so well this week. It feels like a dream. No hitches, no anger, no tears (except for the happy ones, which are always acceptable). Nothing but a clear sign that our wedding will be blessed.
Our wedding... we haven't set anything yet. No dates, no locations, nothing. We need to discuss it... Dom's birthday is in a few weeks, and I'm still plotting what I'm going to do for him, but I think I'll make some time to discuss the event. I can't deny that I'm eager, that I'd marry him tomorrow if I thought we could pull it off. But it'll take some amount of planning, even if it's only to be a small ceremony with our families. Who else would we invite, after all?
It doesn't matter who we invite. It doesn't matter if we get married in a cardboard box in a back alley in the dirtiest city in the world, wearing burlap sacks, being married by a drunkard with the back of a bottle of Jack Daniels as our vows. It would still be our wedding, and that's all that matters. Dom and I. Dom and I. Dom and I. I love him.
Sat, Oct. 30th, 2004, 01:18 am
Today was even better than the usual Friday. After school, I packed up as quickly as I could and practically ran out into the parking lot, running out into Dom's arms. I couldn't help that I was excited.
Today we went into Towerston to pick out our rings. I'd never been in the Towerston jewelry store; I'd never had a reason to. It was a small store but it had a nice selection. And it had the perfect rings for us.
Dom and I decided to pick out each other's, for obvious reasons. It took me a long time to pick Dom's ring out, but I couldn't help it. It had to be perfect. It had to look just right around his finger, had to shine perfectly in accordance to his eyes, his smile. I made him try on dozens, until the right one showed up:
He loved it. I could tell. Even if he hadn't said so, I would have been able to tell by the way he grinned at me, how his eyes lit up the entire store. But really, I think that he would have been happy with a twisty-tie ring. We both would have.
And there's mine. I can hardly believe it's mine, and I do a double take every time I see the shine on my finger. But then my gaze lingers, taking in the sight, and then I tip my eyes up to Dom, seeing him shining even more than the band.
And then I know it really is mine. Both of them, actually.
Wed, Oct. 27th, 2004, 09:27 pm
Today was a long day, just like the past few days have been. As much as I love school, I love more than anything that moment when I leave the quiet building and head out to the parking lot, pausing to look for our car, but I always see Dom first. He's always standing outside of the car, no matter how cold it is, leaning up against the trunk, reading a magazine or listening to his Discman, and then he sees me, and smiles. No, grins. That's the best part of my day. It's as if all the good things I did during the day have added up and his smile is the reward I receive. On most days, I think it's more than I deserve.
Today was no different. Well, for the most part. Except for today I got out a little later because I had made an appointment with a parent for a conference this afternoon, so I had to wait until that was over before I could even begin to pack up for the day. Of course, Dom is worth the wait. But because I had to wait, I had to get a little bit more than his beautiful smile. And because the parking lot was virtually empty by that time, I felt little guilt about throwing myself at Dom and kissing him like my life depended on it. Which, nowadays, I'm really starting to think it does.
We chatted all the way home, like usual, talking about our days, sharing in the excitement to both be able to go home for the evening together. It seems like the evenings are even better this week than they've ever been. It probably has to do with the same reason the days are so long.
Dom left me alone when we got home. He made some excuse about having to fold some laundry, but I know for a fact that Dom doesn't do
laundry. So I knew something was up. I went into the kitchen to see what we could rustle up for dinner, and found this on the counter, in a thick envelope addressed to me:( Another letter from a not-so Mystery SomeoneCollapse )
I cried again today. I didn't think I had any tears left after this weekend, but I guess I regenerate them quicker than I thought. Sitting at the kitchen table, hands covering my face, I cried again, realizing for the first time just how close I came to losing him. He wrote this the morning before he came home... he hadn't been intending to do so, not at first. He was going to leave without saying anything, hoping this letter would be enough. It wasn't.
I got up and ran upstairs, gripping the letter tightly, tears streaming down my face as I looked for Dom. I found him in the bedroom, writing in his journal... and I began to sob again. I yelled at him, though I don't remember what I said, yelled at him until I couldn't speak anymore because of the tearful look that crossed his face. I collapsed on the bed then, pulling him into my arms and apologizing, over and over, for not only the words I just uttered but the ones I uttered last weekend, and anything I had ever said that had hurt him. I can't bear the thought of hurting him again, ever. I was so shaken by the idea of losing him again. I held him tightly until my own tears subsided, and then I kissed him, long and lovingly. I love him so much, I can't even hold it in anymore, not even for a second.
I made love to him all evening, until we finally got hungry enough to go get that dinner, and then we came back to bed and made love some more. I read the letter again, in bed, with his arms around me and his head on my chest, but this time when I finished it no tears came, just a smile and many kisses. Because all though I came so close to losing him, the fact that I didn't just reminds me so much more how much he loves me. How much we love each other. My beautiful fiancé. I don't need letters to remind me of that every day. Just him.
Mon, Oct. 25th, 2004, 08:58 pm
He's done it. The man is officially out to kill me with love. He'll probably succeed. But I'd die happily.
This time two days ago I honestly didn't know whether I'd survive. It sounds so cliched, to be living on love, but that's how I felt. For so long Dom and I had been so wrapped up in each other, so consumed by being together that the rest of my day without him was almost just going through the motions, a bit of a half-life. Everything important began and ended with Dom. The rest was just... filling. The essentials, like work and sleep and food, were only there to support the time I had with Dom.
And then, with a few sharp words that life shattered, and I didn't think I'd be able to go on. I love teaching. But it wasn't nearly enough to take my mind off the emptiness at home, the quiet that I would have to go back to at the end of the day. If I hadn't known such love than I could live without it. That was how I got by before Dom walked into my life. But now it's different. To live without Dom... well, once the box had been opened there was no going back. I knew that I couldn't handle it.
I don't have to, luckily. Dom, because he's the most amazingly wonderfully astoundingly loving man I've ever met in my entire life, and possibly in the entire world, has taken what felt like such and end and made it into a beginning. A complete one-eighty from how I thought I would spend my declining years.
Dom asked me to marry him yesterday.
And no, hearts and flowers didn't pop out of his eyes. Just pure, unadulterated love. I never thought I would be the marrying type, but I am now, because we are officially engaged. Even if we don't have rings yet, though we've decided to go get them after school on Friday.
I was nervous, when he first asked me. Even more nervous than I would have been had I been doing the asking. I just couldn't understand how we could even think of entering into something like that after such a catastrophic event. In so many ways, this fight has taught us both that we are actually capable of hurting each other. It's a scary thought. But at the same time, it's also shown us how capable of forgiving each other we are, and had we not fought we would have never realized how resilient our love is. We could have gone on, blissfully ignorant of any faults of each other, and then when it came time to fight over something even more important, we might not have bounced back as well as we did this time. Now I'm sure we can bounce back from anything, because we understand these parts of each other so much better now.
I only hesitated for a moment. And then I said yes, and I will never regret that answer.
I didn't honestly believe I could be any more connected, bonded to Dom than I had been before this whole weekend happened, but I am, remarkably. I really believe those old sayings, about marriage being a partnership, being two halves of the same whole, and if we haven't even reached the actual marriage yet, then I can't even fathom how intense that feeling is going to be. I can't wait. We haven't really talked about it yet, but... It's going to happen. And that's enough for me to think of.
I can't believe how much I love my Dom. My fiance. That sounds... indescribable. I've never felt so complete.
Sun, Oct. 24th, 2004, 03:46 pm
Dom's left in a way I never thought could be possible. Well, really, I never believed that Dom would leave in the first place. But I especially never figured that he would leave because I told him to.
It was a horrible fight. All fights are horrible, but this one seemed doubly, triply so. Maybe that's simply because it was with Dom I was fighting. We've been together for nine months now, and this was the first time we fought, even over a little issue. But this wasn't as little an issue as I had figured when I picked up the phone yesterday afternoon and introduced myself to Dom's mum.
I wanted to get to know him better, really. And his parents seemed a good place to recess to. We've never talked about his parents in detail before, and for a long time I wondered if Dom just thought that parents in general was a taboo subject between us, which wasn't the case at all for me. Or for him, as I found out.
I can't distinguish between which words of Dom's yesterday were the truth and which ones were just said out of complete and utter fury at the stupid thing I said. He said some hurtful things, about both his parents and me, the latter of which was ultimately the reason I sent him away. Which I shouldn't have done. Because the more I think about it, the more I come to realize that by then he can't have meant it, not after his blood was up like that. And even if he did mean it... I'm not sure I would have really wanted him gone.
But I made him leave anyway. I said awful things, like I didn't want to see him anymore, and now I'm panicked as to how they've been interpreted. I know Dom. I know that the whole reason he spends every night in my arms is because he left his home on a whim, and I'm terrified to think that that might be a pattern.
Well, at least used to spend every night in my arms.
Either way, his past has been impulsive. I can't figure out if my life is over or if I'm just waiting for a jumpstart.
After he left yesterday I spent the better part of the afternoon in bed. I sobbed myself to sleep and woke up at about eleven o'clock, of course miserably, horribly awake. I paced around the house for awhile, then settled back down in bed, on Dom's side, and sobbed myself back to sleep at about five in the morning.
I woke up this morning at about nine o'clock feeling like my body had fallen to pieces during the middle of the night and slept in different rooms. A shower couldn't cure my dislocated feeling. Neither could a cup of coffee. That might be, of course, that I set the pot to brew and then promptly forgot about it until the entire pot was quite cold.
The cats have brought me a present this morning. I'm not sure whether it's out of sympathy or just because they got done playing and didn't know what to do with it. Either way, it was the woodpecker that, for the last week or so, had been waking Dom and me up at obscene hours of the morning. Even before we had to get up for work. I had wondered why everything was so quiet when I got up. I think the silence had more to do with Dom than the lack of pecking, but on this morning I would have welcomed even that distraction.
I want him back... oh shite, I want him back. I want to take back my stupid, impulsive decision, because it wasn't worth falling out for. I want to take back every bad word that ever came out of my mouth. And it isn't fair, because no matter how hard I wish it, I'm still sitting here alone at the kitchen table, midday on a Sunday, which used to be the most hopeful day of the week. But today, I just haven't got any hope.
Wed, Sep. 15th, 2004, 11:46 pm
Dom bought me a camera for my birthday, which only proves he's one of the smartest men alive. As soon as I opened the package I realized that I'd known him for a year and didn't have a single photograph of him. Not around the house, not in my wallet, not at school... this was a great crime, and it had to be rectified. And it was, almost instantly.
Since I got the camera, we've taken probably four rolls of film. Most of the pictures were of Dom, since if I could help it I kept the camera well out of his hands. There were a few of me thrown in the mix, quite a few of me looking unaware or startled since he practically had to steal the camera and sneak up on me. I also took some of the cats, as any proud cat owner should.
At any rate, many photos were taken, including some that will stay in our own private albums, thank you very much, but there are some that I adore and can't wait to display. Now, to buy a couple dozen picture frames...( The photos!Collapse )
Sat, Jan. 24th, 2004, 05:57 pm
It's our one-month anniversary today. Yes, I know. One month. Hard to believe, isn't it? It may not seem like a big deal, and perhaps in many ways it's not... but I still feel today is different than other days. Christmas Eve is more prevalent in my mind than it has been for awhile, and everything I see around the house that's his puts a smile on my face.
It's too bad today's a bloody Saturday and he has to work. I would have liked to spend the entire day with him. But we'll have the evening. And really, isn't that more important? It'll be like Christmas Eve, all over again, and we can wake up in each other's arms at a disgustingly late hour and make love before we get up, not having to worry about being late for anything. We'll have the time.
I went into Towerston today, something I usually hate to do on the weekends, since I spend all week there. But I had some shopping to do that couldn't be done in Lauderville. I went to the record store and picked up a present for Elijah's birthday, and I also got Dom a couple CDs, one of which he actually heard about from Elijah. It's not as if he's been asking for it, but he still manages to mention The Streets in our conversations, especially when we're talking about Elijah. One thing that definitely paved the road to friendship for those two was their mutual taste in music. So I thought I'd get their CD for Dom, so they might have more to talk about. I just hope it's something I'll be able to stand.
I also picked up some candles (the ones I had lying about the house were used during the power outage) and some red roses. Once back in Lauderville, I picked up the last ingredients I needed for dinner. Yes, I actually decided to make dinner. Pasta Primavera. I hope it tastes as good as it smells. For afters there's ice cream sundaes, of course. With cookies and cream ice cream. May not go perfectly with the main course, but I know it's his favorite.
Well, the dinner's been prepared, the roses set out, and the candles lit. Any minute now he'll be coming home. All I have to do is sit back and wait. And then I'll romance him like he deserves to be romanced. My Dom.
Sun, Jan. 4th, 2004, 09:06 pm
It's been over a week now. Over a week since I've had the chance to take a moment and catch up with what's actually been happening to me. It's a lot to process.
I can't even begin to explain how stupid I felt after Dom confessed the truth to me. It was all there in front of me, but I couldn't see him. Not Dom. But really, after I knew, it was only too easy to fall in love with him. After all, I already knew I loved him. I just wasn't sure that romantic feelings connected to that love. Not until he kissed me.
Christmas Eve and Christmas were two of the most amazing days of my entire life. I never thought I would be able to enjoy the holidays with someone I loved like that. He gave me more than anyone could have ever put under the tree for me. I didn't even know how to begin to repay him, but he showed me. Oh, how he did.
It should have been able to last. We should have had that entire weekend to spend wrapped in each other, but a storm came and blew that notion away. Sunday, a day when we should have had no reason not to lounge in bed all day long, Dom had to go in to work, to straighten some big muck up at the office before he officially returned the next day and, amazingly enough, was stuck there. All bloody day. And night. With Leon, of all people. And they didn't even tear each other apart. Miracles do happen, after all.
Truth is, I think Dom was dead chuffed to have made a connection with Leon. Glad to be beyond the petty differences they might have once had between them. And I couldn't be happier. They are my two closest friends, and having them get along makes things so much easier. I'm going to have to have Leon over some evening. Now that things are comfortable.
I was stuck in the house with Deputy Parker, one of Lauderville's distinguished police force. Nice enough bloke. Could have been a lot worse. Rather it was him than someone he was after. Bit jumpy, though. Still, my mind was on Dom, where he was, whether he was daft enough to try and get home... with the phones down, I hadn't a clue. I worried myself all night, barely getting any sleep until he made it back home to me.
Dom's break was over, though, and it was back to work for him, and back to sitting around the house for me. He had New Year's off, so for New Year's Eve we had a quiet evening at home with a bottle of champagne, which was better than any party we could have been to. But then I still had the rest of the week by myself at home. I think he might have been slightly surprised every evening when I'd attack him at the door when he walked in. After having no one for so long and then suddenly having this amazing person in my life, it was hard to adjust to being by myself again.
I won't have to worry about any days but Saturday now, however, since it's back to school for me tomorrow. It'll be a relief really, because I'll have the children to take my mind off Dom. It's like waking up after a long dream, really. Except this time I can take the most important part of the dream with me into waking.
Wed, Dec. 24th, 2003, 05:33 pm
It's Christmas Eve and I feel emptier than I ever thought possible.
Will he come still? I never told him not to. It's a matter of his determination now.
Do I want him to come? Or would I rather he stay away, far away, so that I may forget everything that ever happened between us?
I don't know.